A Journey's End
by Dana E. Vassy
Summary: Mulder realises he cn't go on. Inspired by Gethsemane from Jesus Christ Superstar


Title: A Journey's End  
Author: Dana E. Vassy  
Rating: PG  
Category: Mulder POV, mytharc, hinted MSR  
Spoilers: Anything is fair game up to season 6. Closure   
has happened, Requiem has not.  
Disclaimer: Sometimes, I just have to interfere. My   
good friend Chris understands this. Therefore, 1013 and   
Fox, let me meddle for a few pages, and all will be   
returned, relatively unharmed. (The way these characters   
are treated normally, I doubt a few more bruises would   
make much difference)  
Feedback: This is where you pucker up and hit the reply   
key. It's scullys_no_slut@viceprez.fsnet.co.uk thank you   
very much.  
Distribution: Just tell me where...  
  
Authors Notes at the end.  
  
The streetlight cast an eerie glow into the otherwise   
dark living room. The dull leather of the couch was   
swathed in its cold light; the dark mass of the desk   
decorated by the occasional metallic glimmer. A gentle   
hiss of rainfall pattered against the smeared window   
pane. It made a fitting accompaniment to the almost   
silent breathing that punctuated the stillness of the   
room.  
  
Fox Mulder stared at nothing in particular as he let the   
chaotic thoughts collide inside his head. Images of pain   
he had repressed for so long, interspersed with a montage   
of happy memories. Worst of all was the battle raging   
between his pride and the deadening sense of failure,   
constricting his chest until it felt certain to implode.  
  
And then he just let it all go.  
  
The fear, the dread and the anxiety abated. A rare   
moment of clarity existed in their place. It was over,   
nothing more to say or do.  
  
But as quickly as it had diminished, the depression once   
again cast its spell. The day he had assumed would   
never arrive was upon him. No deal, nor any act of mercy   
would change this harsh reality.  
  
In 1973, on an otherwise nondescript November evening,   
Mulder's life had been changed forever. How he hated to   
stray into that hyperbole, but it had been perhaps the   
single most defining moment of his existence. That night   
of the twenty-seventh, the child,Fox Mulder had lost a   
sister. Thus emerged, the too-soon adult Mulder who had   
gained a lifelong quest. How much had changed in those   
precious few minutes. A timespan that had multiplied   
into too many years of folly and regret.  
And so, for twenty-seven years, he had made his goal to   
uncover the truth about extraterrestrials, hoping to find   
his sister in the process. Not once had he believed she   
was dead, not until he was presented with the final   
evidence of sorts. Rejected by, and untrusting of his   
parents, Mulder had learned to live without love. He   
trusted no one, and valued each casual affair as much as   
his latest video acquisition. To him, they were fun, but   
always dispensable. On the rare occasions he had let his   
guard down, he had been left with yet another gaping   
emotional wound. So with time, those defences had been   
fortified, so as to be practically impenetrable.  
  
Mulder had always thought his dedication would get him   
anywhere, but that belief had weakened through time. He   
enjoyed the liberty of taking risks, justifying it with   
the mantra that he had nothing left to lose. Yes, he   
lost the respect of countless superiors and peers - good   
men who gave up on his brilliance, because they couldn't   
entertain the unconventional package came in. Besides,   
it was easier to play the martyr if you could point out   
all the people turned against you. Show off the   
obstacles as an excuse for not reaching the finish line.   
Dwell on what might be, instead of what there is not.  
  
That had never been clear before, hidden behind the mask   
of nobility. Bloodlust tends to blind a man to his   
greater failings. Then, he had never felt pig-headed: it   
was steely determination. He could wail about injustice   
as often as he liked - it only enhanced his martyrdom.   
Mulder had ignored the fallacy of his single-mindedness.   
Anyone could, as long as they had the will to fight.  
  
And that was what had ground Mulder's crusade to a halt.   
The desire to go on banging his head against a brick wall   
had faded. It was corroded by the numerous blows to his   
pride. And it was more than that: he no longer wanted to   
live in a world without love. Two, ten and twenty years   
ago he had been inspired. Now?  
  
Well, he had found his sister, after a fashion. Nothing   
to do with the aliens. The men he had blamed, who had   
caused him so much pain, were more elusive than ever.   
The same men who had impeded his progress at every turn,   
and treated him like nothing more than a preferred pawn   
in their game. How it sickened him to know the   
atrocities they had condoned, yet never be able to bring   
them to justice. And that had finally laid his   
inspiration to rest. He was too old, too saddened, and   
too tired to resist any longer.  
  
Mulder had dropped the torch, let somebody else pick it   
up and keep running.   
  
Daylight began to make its weak entrance through the dark   
Alexandria skyline. The long night was over.  
  
But Fox Mulder's life, like this day, was dawning afresh.   
It was time to leave behind the regrets and the pain, and   
find a new direction. And he had never been more certain   
as to what that direction was.  
  
One person, for eight years, had been the purest contrast   
to all that was malignant and wrong in his life. One   
person could be trusted enough for him to surrender the   
barricades around his heart. He knew now that she loved   
him, she had told him not twelve hours ago. But they   
both knew he couldn't give her the devotion she deserved,   
not while he carried so many deadweight emotions.d  
  
Now that he realised the journey of crisis and   
destrcution was at its end, he could embark on a far   
happier course. No more bitter isolation, just blissful   
companionship. With Dana Scully, Mulder could at last   
enviasge a pleasurable and more normal situation. It was   
only from this new state that he saw how much he wanted   
that life. Truly content for the first time since   
Samantha's abduction, he headed off to tell the most   
important person in his life the most important news.  
  
The empty apartment slowly filled with early morning   
sunshine. As it did, one small photograph formed a   
natural centrepiece on the newly illuminated desk. Those   
carefree smiles, peculiar to children, symbolised times   
of greater peace and laughter. Finally, times like those   
were about to reoccur in the rollercoaster life of one   
Fox William Mulder.  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *   
Authors Notes  
* * * * * * * * * * *   
I thought I might plan a series from this - sort of   
suburbian Mulder and Scully. But I don't know if it will   
work without the X-Filish content - what do you think?  
  
This piece was inpsired by the song 'Gethsemane' from   
Jesus Christ Superstar. "Then, I was inspired / Now, I'm   
sad and tired." I just thought the Mulder/Christ   
comparison could have a new twist. One where he decides   
to take the other path, putting happiness before duty.   
The photograph at the end is the one of Mulder and   
Samantha we frequently see. The abduction dates are   
taken from the One Son video. I'm not saying I want   
Mulder to give up, just that he could make that choice,   
and turn out happier.  
  
  



End file.
